Pass Everyone
a fantasy essay for the jerks of the road

If you have ever been behind another car, you know what I’m talking about. Mindless minions wandering the highways and byways in no particular hurry and going seemingly nowhere.

These un-focused drivers that don’t seem to have anything important to do are impeding commerce and wasting our valuable time.  What I would like to propose is that the next time you are driving, make every attempt to pass everyone.

The advantages are easy to see… clear sailing, less stopping, traveling at a nice high rate of speed, and being the leader of the pack – all the time. Doesn’t the thought of being first and waiting for no one sound great?

Not everyone will, or should qualify to go first all the time.

The way I see it, my status as a native Oregonian and driver for over 30 years puts me at the top of the heap.  Plus, I’m smart and know where I’m going.  You may have other reasons to be selected as a chosen one.  Perhaps you are favored by your deity, club or other organization.  Maybe you have a lot of schooling, or just a really cool car.  Whatever the reason, we know who we are.  We deserve to be first.

Technique may vary from person to person.  Some will be first by using their superior reaction times. After all, most people don’t even move their cars until the light has been green for 3 or 4 seconds. Others can use the power of their cool cars, outrunning the slugs and advancing to the front of the pack.  There may even be times when it will be necessary to drive on the median, bike lane or even use a turn lane to pass the uninitiated.  These techniques are all certainly justified to be first.

There will be skeptics who don’t believe it is possible to pass everyone.  They will whine “there’s always going to be someone in front of you”.  These backward-thinking people are probably the same ones who thought man would never fly or that the world was flat.  Don’t let them dissuade you from leading the pack.

You deserve it.  You are a chosen one.

Revised 12/2007

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